Saturday, February 27, 2010

envy much

i shouldnt say this. but i need to let it out of my mind.

so, am gonna tell you about some of my girlfriends.


1st friend.
i've been friends with this girl since the early days in my 2nd year of senior high.
she was this typical angel-like girl. with thick dark hair, tall, thin, and very beautiful.
She was beautiful, really smart, straight, and honest.
She did modelling.
I feel like she came out of a comic book.
She was flawless.

2nd friend.
We became friends quickly after a brief meeting, since we shared the same car whenever we went to school.
She's another super friend of mine. The kind of forceful, distinct, strong, and bold figure, but fragile at times too.
She has this personality that everyone likes and she is very straightforward in words and actions.

3rd friend.
Two words: totally likable.
She pretty, cute, and funny. She's shorter than me. And she's very feminine.
She has good fashion sense, just like my 1st friend.
She used to be my best friend. We still are, but not as close as it was.

They're all my best buddies. and i'm jealous of them. literally.
It's not that I'm not being grateful towards the blessings my life has been given.
But as a girl nor as a human, i really couldnt stand the outlying balances that are visible to one's eyes.
Jealousy is humane.
I cant help but envy everything about them and pushing aside the potential substance in our friendship.
I contravene the extreme standard in being one's friend. But this is my extreme level of honesty.

Sometimes I even wander, do they really like me for who I am?
Because sometimes, the label "best friends" seems so cliche for me.
I tried my best to look compatible with them.
But still, it's so hard to catch up the realm where there's a big difference.
I lost my confidence whenever I'm with them.
They shine so bright like there are spotlights following them wherever they step over.
And I'm the one who holds the spotlight.
Seriously.

I dont want to say that I dont like being friends with them.
But sometimes it's so tough to overcome my nervousness around them.
To try hard to be able to look compatible with them.
To smile when I want to scream.

I love my friends.
But sometimes it feels like a burden to be friends with people who outshine so much.
And sometimes I really want to ask them if I'm really the right match for them.
Or we just became friends by chances and got stuck in the opaque relationship that I can never seem to understand.
Because I know that I still dont know you better and you still dont know me better as well.

I do really love you guys.
This is all just an honest fall-out from the tears i tend to shed once in a while for being a hypocrite too many times in front of you
:(

Labels: feelings, friends, life, love

by mELaa o.O~ at 11:52 AM :)